Handling an Argument Without Losing Someone You Care About
“Give me the liberty to know, to utter, and to argue freely according to conscience, above all liberties.” — John Milton
When was the last time you had an argument with a close one, what was your response, and how did it make you feel?
Silence was mostly my preferred response. It was a mode of protection.
I used to “win”, or “escape” if I want to be precise, arguments through silence. Especially when arguments involved very dear people to my heart, I chose to stay quiet because at times I had a temper, and I did not want to say things that would hurt the person in front of me, particularly when I knew my facts. I was also concerned about them and tried my best to safeguard the relationship and their emotions, in any way I found suitable.
The constant fear of losing the people I cared for stopped me from talking, even if I attempted to relay my views. My silence then became a habit. Even Though I always had something to say, I lost my words. My mind would shut down, and all I could hear were the loud voices in my head.
Little did I know that my stillness built up negative emotions within me. I despised the idea of not standing for myself or my views and I felt victimized at times. Besides, my approach ended up attracting the exact opposite of what I wanted. I found myself gradually distancing myself from this person and with time, I wanted nothing to do with them. So, I lost the relationship anyway, but on my own terms!
The moment you choose to stay silent for the fear of losing others during an argument, is the moment you become unfair to yourself and any negative outcome that may result, will be on you.
When you only focus on winning an argument, not taking the relationship itself into consideration, you start focusing on the wrong places. When your sole mission is to convince the other person to agree with your perspective, you either stay quiet, or you start imposing your views into the conversation by overpowering or silencing this person and here is where you create conflict. Needless to say, trying to win an argument may also lead you to belittle the person in front of you.
I read once that “sometimes silence is the best way to win an argument”. Even so, I have decided to change my approach when I find myself in the middle of one. Withdrawing will do me no good. I figured, if I really cared for the other person, then I should learn how to control my feelings and embrace theirs and I would have to shift my focus to them rather than on the outcome of the discussion. Who knows? I may benefit from the different views or benefit them from mine without sabotaging the relationship.
“Arguments cannot be answered by personal abuse; there is no logic in slander, and falsehood, in the long run, defeats itself.” — Robert Green Ingersoll
So, what can you possibly do to win a conversation even if you lose it?
1- Justify the other person’s feeling
When the debate is intense, it may be hard for you to listen or you may find yourself saying harsh words. Focus on the relationship itself and acknowledge the other person’s feelings.
When the other person feels that their emotions are valid, the conversation will cool down and then you can both relay your views without harming the relationship.
2- Do not lose your temper
Keep your cool. Being able to regulate your emotions is crucial. Losing your temper will antagonize the person in front of you, which will intensify the argument. Stop worrying about you coming across as weak. You will still be a winner through self-control.
Do your best to keep the conversation calm so that you both concentrate on what you are discussing not on your egos.
3- Try to look at things from their perspective
The best way to ever win in any situation, not only during arguments, is to put yourself in other people’s shoes and to view matters from their angle. This approach will help you keep the argument under control.
When you step into the mind of the person you are arguing with and you try to view the issue from their viewpoint, you may figure out what is influencing them which may make you lead a robust argument. An argument which will not put you in a position to attack this person and which may resolve the issue.
4- Respect the other person’s opinion
And here is where you practice kindness. Kindness will help keeping the debate and reactions to it calm. Respect the other person’s opinions, even if you do not agree with them, and you will be surprised with the outcome.
On the other hand, if the person in front of you is the one being aggressive, you still need to keep your cool and try to politely disengage. While it is easier said than done, do not fall into the trap of your reaction. Stay calm and just agree with them until they cool down.
“It is never ridicule, but a compliment that knocks a philosopher off his feet. He is already positioned for every possible counter-attack, counter-argument, and retort… only to find a big bear hug coming his way.” — Criss Jami
When there is an argument, emotions are always present. Whether it is with someone you love or you do not know, when conflict arises, anxiety accompanies it, and the situation becomes awkward.
If you put your ego and self-esteem aside and start focusing on the communication instead, you will build a strong healthy argument based on mutual respect. Winning or losing the argument will only be a result of facts and respecting each other’s views and nothing to do with you as a person or the person in front of you.
We are humans and it is natural that we only want to be right all the time. Everyone has the right and should feel free to speak their minds especially with closed ones. We are not supposed to be scared of losing the people we love over an argument. If losing them is the only option and is the price to pay for owning different opinions, then I have news for you… they are not your friends and the whole relationship may not be worth it.
